Nurturing Our Children's Unique Traits

We must nurture our children ...it is one of the important things we can do.

A parents' love and caring determines how a child grows up and how a child will eventually parent. Adults can nurture children's positive self-esteem by helping them discover what they are good at doing.

Part of a child's self esteem comes from feeling competent and skilled at something they enjoy. By creating opportunities for children to explore different objects, activities, and people ... and nurturing those interests, you can play a big role in helping children to be successful and feel good about themselves.

The early years are when children show personality traits and preferences for what they like and dislike. By planning opportunities with children's unique personality styles in mind, you nurture their positive feelings about themselves.

Nurturing children, building a loving and caring relationship is not always easy. With patience and love – you can do it!
1.Treat each child according to their needs.
2.Every child needs parents who can notice and appreciate their special qualities. When siblings are involved, trying to treat each equally usually backfires and undermines children's individuality.

3.Focus attention whenever possible, avoiding distractions. If children want to interact at a time when you cannot be fully attentive, let them know and schedule a time for conversation and/or play when you can focus entirely on them. Children usually know when adults are only half-listening and can feel frustrated, unheard, and at times even unloved when this happens. Listening to children with your full attention helps strengthen their sense of importance and gives the message that you really want to hear what they are thinking and feeling.

4.Listen sensitively, avoid (too much) questioning, and describe the situation.

5.Children will usually shut down emotionally when parents bombard them with questions. They feel on the spot and pressured when adults probe and inquire too much about their day. Describing the situation is a neutral and non-intrusive approach that leaves room for children to respond in their own way.

6.Use "I" messages and try to avoid blaming and accusations. This will allow you to express your feelings about a particular behavior without attacking your child's character or self-esteem.

7.Set limits that are appropriate to children's age, temperament and stage of development.
(When parents have limited time with their children, they may tend to let things go and not set reasonable and necessary limits. Children need to know that you – their parent or caregiver have the interest, energy and authority to set appropriate standards for behavior and the skills to follow through.)

Start traditions that feel comfortable and fit your parenting style and financial resources. Traditions provide children with an important sense of belonging. They don't have to be elaborate in order to be fun or memorable. The most important thing you can do to start a new tradition (or continue an old one) is whatever feels comfortable and enjoyable for both the parents and children. Traditions are also important for teaching children about--and centering them in their cultures.

Take care of yourself so that you have energy and enthusiasm available for your children.

It can be hard to find a balance between meeting your children's needs and making time for yourselves. It is important for you to find appropriate outlets for your feelings of stress, responsibilities, etc., and you need some 'down' time to pursue your own interests or just to unwind. Most parents find that even a short break from children can make a positive difference in the way they feel.

Parents Should Feel Fulfilled
Parents need to fulfill themselves as parents, in their parenting roles, and also as individuals with interests outside the family. They need to go places on their own, and to do some things just for themselves. Then parents return to their children refreshed.

When you're stressed:

• Try to resolve situations before they escalate.

• Take time out.

• Call someone and express how you're feeling. Ask them to come over and stay with the kids for a while.

• Count to 10 and think, "What do I really want to accomplish here?

• Hit a pillow to release your frustrations

• Play music

• Remember how much you love your child and think about the best way to show that to your child.

Keep your children safe, no matter what!

The best way to keep children safe is to keep them from getting hurt in the first place. Many parents who do cause harm to their children don't mean to do it. If a parent was neglected or abused as a child, it may be that much harder to change to a more constructive behavior with their own kids. There is an abundance of support and information available to help parents accomplish raising healthy and safe children. There are many ways to successfully manage a child's behavior. When adults learn to rely on constructive, non-hurtful parenting, both parent and child feel better about themselves.

Positive parenting approaches help the whole family to thrive. These approaches can be seen in other aspects of their lives as well. Parents even do better at work and their children are more successful in school.

There are two types of childhood experiences:

• Positive experiences that build strong character and a sense of self-worth and that model a nurturing parenting style.

• Negative experiences that engulf children in parenting models of abuse, neglect, exploitation, and victimization.

The Best Parenting

The best parenting comes from parents who create an environment that produces experiences that affect the growth of the individual child. The nurturing parent uses a nurturing touch, empathy, empowerment, and unconditional love to ensure the overall health of their child. Abusive parents who use hitting, belittling, neglecting basic needs, and other actions that lower an individual's sense of self-worth ...or worse, have a negative impact on the health of their child.

Child Abuse

Child abuse has a detrimental impact on a child's self-image, giving them feelings of low self-esteem, which impacts how they will treat others. Children who value themselves and treat themselves with respect show the same behavior toward others. The connection between self-worth and the worth of others is critical in child abuse prevention. Nurturing has been proven to be a positive influence on a child's self-image and self-worth. Child abuse is the result of poorly trained adults who as parents and caregivers, try to instill discipline and educate children with the same violence that they themselves experienced as children ...because that's all they know.

Parenting is learned in childhood and repeated when children become parents.

The experiences children have while growing up, have a significant impact on the attitudes, skills, and parenting practices they will use with their own children.

What is learned can be unlearned and anyone and everyone can learn good parenting skills. Even parents who are overwhelmed, or alone.

The first three years of your child's life are crucial.

Those are the years that your child will develop significant intellectual, emotional and social abilities. That's when they learn to give and accept love.

They learn confidence, security, and empathy ... they learn to be curious and persistent ... everything your child needs to learn to relate well to others, and lead a happy and productive life. The first three years are the doorway to forever!

Nurturing children is about the way we love them ...the way we bring them up.

A parent's love is our children’s destiny. It's the legacy we give them.

Love Our Children for the way we live today.

10 Ways To Show Your Kids They Come First

(From surprise visits to going on "dates" together, here's how to show them you care.)



It's easy to find ourselves asking our kids to play for another five minutes so that we can check off that never-ending to-do list. Although it's easier to get things done without the constant not-so-helpful hands in our way, it's crucial that our kids always feel special, even when we're at our busiest. Here are 10 ways we can show our kids that they always come first.



1. Turn off the phone and television at dinnertime



Make dinner a family event where there are no distractions. "Dinner is the most frequent and easiest scheduled time to make 'our time,'" says Dave McDonald, a father of two. "Without the distractions of a ringing phone or blaring television, the kids shift their attention to us," he continues. "It's amazing to me how excited our kids get just to talk with us. I love to see them smiling when they're telling us a story about their day, and having them happy makes me happy! That wouldn't happen with the TV on or the phone ringing, so everything is off at dinnertime because that's our time -- and I don't ever want to give that up."



2. Include them in your activities



"I involve my children in whatever I am doing," says Melissa Rolfson, a mother of three. "In our house that usually means we have crunchy eggshell cookies, but even though the timing isn't always great, the time taken is always incredibly worthwhile." Taking the extra time to involve the kids in your activities may delay dinner by 10 or 15 minutes, but could end up being a memory that your child will have for a lifetime.



3. Surprise them



Sure, candies and toys always bring a smile to a child's face, but how about surprising them with a real treat -- you! "I try to surprise my daughter once in a while by picking her up from school," says Elena Cherry. "I envy those who stay home, but when you are working out of the home and school hours fall in the middle of the day, it gets hard to coordinate. Sometimes I have to physically schedule that time in my Blackberry as a 'meeting,'" she adds, "but the smile on her face when she sees me is definitely worth it."



4. Make them laugh



An old Irish proverb states, "Bricks and mortar make a house, but the laughter of children makes a home." Children love to laugh and are always searching for an opportunity to let go, so why not help them? Get down on the ground and play horsy or turn up the music and do your best funky chicken dance -- whichever route you take, your children will be positively giddy. Laughing together cements the bond between you and your child.



5. Get involved at their school



Children whose parents are involved in their school are more likely to overcome certain types of peer pressure like smoking, says a study released by the U.S. National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. Not only will helping out in your child's classroom let them know that you care about their education and are interested in what they are doing every day, but it will allow you to get to know the other kids in the class and help you find out what sort of peer pressure your child encounters in school. It's much easier to help your child fight peer pressure when you know when and where it's coming from.



6. Take part in their activities



Even though most parents dread taking the kids along on their day-to-day errands for fear of endlessly curious hands and temper tantrums, kids love when parents share their favourite activities with them. "My son loves trains," says Heather Camlot, a mother of two. "On nice days I like to take him to a nearby mall where the trains pass by at ground level. We park as close as we can to the fenced off tracks and watch as the trains fly by. There is nothing more fulfilling than watching the excitement on his face as he sees the trains pass."



7. Have "dates" with each child



Have a date day or night with your child and spend it at the movies, video arcade or even the coffee shop after guitar practice. Each of your children will appreciate the one-on-one time with Mom or Dad and relish the fact that they have your undivided attention.



8.Be persistent in asking questions



"Every day, when my son gets home from school, I call him and ask him how his day went," says Jean-Charles Dupoire. "He usually just shrugs and says, 'I don't know,' but after a few minutes of questioning he opens up and tells me the full ins and outs of his day. He gets really excited to know that I am interested, not just in his schoolwork, but about his friends and what sport he played in gym." Sometimes, the only way for parents to know what's really going on in a child's life is to simply ask. This may entail some persistence, but keep trying -- it will get easier, and the reward of a communicative child far outweighs the work.



9. Listen



When our kids come to us with problems, it's easy to shrug them off and say something like, "Wait until you grow up and have a mortgage to pay -- then you'll see what real problems are." But children don't understand this kind of logic; all they know is that whatever problem they are going through is affecting their world. Even though their problems may seem small to us, they are gigantic to them. Just a little bit of listening and reassuring lets kids know that you genuinely care and are there for them, no matter what.



10. Pamper yourself as well.



Don't be afraid to take the morning off for a massage, a facial or even just a shower. The better you feel about yourself, the happier you will be with your children.

How can I encourage my child to help?

When it comes to getting your child involved in household chores, it's good to start when they are very young by introducing small tasks.

(Even toddlers can put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, and put toys away.)

Older children can pitch in by helping with the dishes or hanging up clothes. Young children often want to "help" you with whatever you're doing. However, even if you did not involve your very young child in family chores, it's never too late to start

Older children can do larger tasks, such as setting the table or dusting the bookshelves. By making children part of the family routine early, and building on responsibility gradually, chores do not seem as "bad."

It also helps if you and your partner have successfully worked out how to share chores.

Your child then sees both of you working to keep the household going. Try to avoid stereotyping activities. Boys can really enjoy cooking or doing dishes and girls can equally enjoy learning about tools or cleaning up the yard.

Don't forget to instill fun with chores.

Play music, dance around and joke while doing the chores. This teaches children that good feelings and work go together.

Avoid bribing your child to do chores.

Instead let your children know that for a family to get along, all members have to do their share, and chores should be your child's way of helping the family. If you want to give your preschool child an allowance, do so to help him learn to appreciate and manage money, not for doing chores.

Building Your Child's Self-Esteem- Part 1

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves, and our behaviour clearly reflects those feelings. For example, children or teens with high self-esteem:

• act independently
• assume responsibility
• take pride in accomplishments
• tolerate frustration
• attempt new tasks and challenges
• handle positive and negative emotions
• offer assistance to others

On the other hand, a child with low self-esteem will:

• avoid trying new things
• feel unloved and unwanted
• blame others for their own shortcomings
• feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent
• be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration
• put down their talents and abilities
• are easily influenced by peers, media, external

Parents, more than anyone else can promote their child's self-esteem. It isn't a particularly difficult thing to do. If fact, most parents do it without even realizing that their words and actions have great impact on how their child or teenager feels about himself. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind.

When you feel good about your child, mention it to him. Parents are often quick to express negative feelings to children but somehow don't get around to describing positive feelings. A child doesn't know when you are feeling good about him and he needs to hear you tell him that you like having him in the family. Children remember positive statements we say to them. They store them up and "replay" these statements to themselves. Practice giving your child well thought out words of encouragement throughout each day. (See “Words of encouragement” blog )

Give “descriptive praise often to let your child know when they are doing something well. You must of course become in the habit of looking for situations in which your child is doing a good job or displaying a talent. When your child completes a task or chore you could say, "I really like the way you straightened your room. You found a place for every thing and put each thing in its place." When you observe them showing a talent you might say, "That last piece you played was great. You really have a lot of musical talent." Don't be afraid to give praise often even in front of family or friends. Also, use praise to point out positive character traits. For instance, "You are a very kind person." Or, "I like the way you stick with things you do even when it seems hard to do." You can even praise a child for something he did not do such as "I really liked how you accepted my answer of 'no' and didn't lose your temper."

Words /Acts Of Encouragement

Children need to feel loved and appreciated. Most parents find that it is easier to provide negative feedback rather than positive feedback.

*Recent research shows that ADHD children may need more praise than the average child. Unfortunately, because of their behaviour they often receive less.

Yes

Good

Fine

Very good

Very fine

Excellent

Marvellous

At-a-boy

Right

That’s right

Correct

Wonderful

I like the way you do that

I’m pleased with (proud of) you

That’s good

Wow

Oh boy

Very nice

Good work

Great going

Good for you

That’s the way

Much better

O.K.

You’re doing better

That’s perfect

Good idea

What a cleaver idea

That’s it

Good job

Great job controlling yourself

I like the way you ______

I noticed that you ____

Keep it up

I had fun ______ with you

You are improving at ______ more and more

You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______

Way to go

I appreciate the way you ______

You are great at that

You're the best

Good remembering

That’s beautiful

I like your______

I like the way you ______ with out having to be asked (reminded)

I’m sure glad you are my son/daughter

Now you’ve got it

I love you

You can SHOW them how you feel as well as tell them.

Smile

Nod

Part on shoulder, head, knee

Wink

Signal or gesture to signify approval

High five

Touch cheek

Tickle

Laugh (with, not at)

Pat on the back

Hug

Building Your Child's Self-Esteem- Part 2

Help your child to make positive self-statements. What we tell ourselves; or self-talk is very important in everything we do. Psychologists have found that depression and anxiety stem from negative self-talk. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave. Therefore, it is important to teach children to be positive about how they "talk to themselves." Some examples of useful self-talk are: "I can solve this problem, if I just keep trying." "It's okay if our team didn’t win today, as long as we all tried our best. You can't win them all." "It makes me feel good to help others even if no one notices or thanks me." Your child can become an expert at this by listening to relaxation tapes or CDs These tapes combine relaxation techniques along with positive self-statements and mental pictures to help kids and teens develop their self-esteem.

Avoid critical statements or statements meant to shame a child. Sometimes it is necessary to critique a child's actions, and it is appropriate that parents do so. When, however the critique is directed to the child as a person it can easily evolve into ridicule or shame. It is important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when giving criticism. For instance say, "I would like you to keep your clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob? Can't you take care of anything?"

Building Your Child's Self-Esteem- Part 3

Teach your child how to make, and recognize good decisions for him/ herself.

Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Help the child clarify the problem that is creating the need for a decision. Ask him a question that pinpoints how he sees, hear, and feels about a situation and what may need to be changed.

1. Brainstorm the possible solutions. Usually there is more than one solution or choice to a given dilemma, and the parent can make an important contribution by pointing out this fact and by suggesting alternatives if the child has none.
2. Allow the child to choose one of the solutions only after fully considering the consequences. The best solution will be one that solves the problem and simultaneously makes the child feel good about himself.
3. Later join the child in evaluating the results of that particular solution. Did it work out well? Or did it fail? if so, why? Reviewing the tactics will equip the child to make a better decision the next time around.

Building Your Child's Self-Esteem- Part 4

A positive approach to providing structure for your child goes along way.

All kids and teens need to accept responsibility for their behaviour. They should learn self-discipline. To help children learn self-discipline, the parent needs to adopt the role of coach/teacher rather than that of disciplinarian and punisher. Familiarize yourself with the "Three Fs" of positive parenting: Firm, Fair and Friendly.

…and!!

The Last 9 ‘Add-on’ steps you can take to help your child develop a positive self-image:

1. Teach children to change their demands to preferences. Point out to children that there is no reason they must get everything they want and that they need not feel angry either. Encourage them to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing them when they display appropriate irritation rather than anger
2. Encourage your children to ask for what they want assertively; pointing out that there is no guarantee that they will get it. Reinforce them for asking and avoid anticipating their desires.
3. Let children know they create and are responsible for any feeling they experience. Likewise, they are not responsible for others' feelings. Avoid blaming children for how you feel.
4. Encourage your children to develop hobbies and interests which give them pleasure and which they can pursue independently.
5. Let children settle their own disputes between siblings and friends alike.
6. Help your children develop "tease tolerance" by pointing out that some teasing can't hurt. Help children learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk such as "names can never hurt me," "teases have no power over me," and "if I can resist this tease, then I'm building emotional muscle. Help children learn to focus on their strengths by pointing out to them all the things they can do.
7. Encourage your children to behave toward themselves the way they'd like their friends to behave toward them.
8. Help your children think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending upon one option for satisfaction. A child who has only one friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a child who has many friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which can satisfy you, you limit your potential for being satisfied! The more you help your children realize that there are many options in every situation, the more you increase their potential for satisfaction.
9. Laugh with your children and encourage them to laugh at themselves. People who take themselves very seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humour and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing one's overall enjoyment.