Building Your Child's Self-Esteem- Part 1

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves, and our behaviour clearly reflects those feelings. For example, children or teens with high self-esteem:

• act independently
• assume responsibility
• take pride in accomplishments
• tolerate frustration
• attempt new tasks and challenges
• handle positive and negative emotions
• offer assistance to others

On the other hand, a child with low self-esteem will:

• avoid trying new things
• feel unloved and unwanted
• blame others for their own shortcomings
• feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent
• be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration
• put down their talents and abilities
• are easily influenced by peers, media, external

Parents, more than anyone else can promote their child's self-esteem. It isn't a particularly difficult thing to do. If fact, most parents do it without even realizing that their words and actions have great impact on how their child or teenager feels about himself. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind.

When you feel good about your child, mention it to him. Parents are often quick to express negative feelings to children but somehow don't get around to describing positive feelings. A child doesn't know when you are feeling good about him and he needs to hear you tell him that you like having him in the family. Children remember positive statements we say to them. They store them up and "replay" these statements to themselves. Practice giving your child well thought out words of encouragement throughout each day. (See “Words of encouragement” blog )

Give “descriptive praise often to let your child know when they are doing something well. You must of course become in the habit of looking for situations in which your child is doing a good job or displaying a talent. When your child completes a task or chore you could say, "I really like the way you straightened your room. You found a place for every thing and put each thing in its place." When you observe them showing a talent you might say, "That last piece you played was great. You really have a lot of musical talent." Don't be afraid to give praise often even in front of family or friends. Also, use praise to point out positive character traits. For instance, "You are a very kind person." Or, "I like the way you stick with things you do even when it seems hard to do." You can even praise a child for something he did not do such as "I really liked how you accepted my answer of 'no' and didn't lose your temper."

Words /Acts Of Encouragement

Children need to feel loved and appreciated. Most parents find that it is easier to provide negative feedback rather than positive feedback.

*Recent research shows that ADHD children may need more praise than the average child. Unfortunately, because of their behaviour they often receive less.

Yes

Good

Fine

Very good

Very fine

Excellent

Marvellous

At-a-boy

Right

That’s right

Correct

Wonderful

I like the way you do that

I’m pleased with (proud of) you

That’s good

Wow

Oh boy

Very nice

Good work

Great going

Good for you

That’s the way

Much better

O.K.

You’re doing better

That’s perfect

Good idea

What a cleaver idea

That’s it

Good job

Great job controlling yourself

I like the way you ______

I noticed that you ____

Keep it up

I had fun ______ with you

You are improving at ______ more and more

You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______

Way to go

I appreciate the way you ______

You are great at that

You're the best

Good remembering

That’s beautiful

I like your______

I like the way you ______ with out having to be asked (reminded)

I’m sure glad you are my son/daughter

Now you’ve got it

I love you

You can SHOW them how you feel as well as tell them.

Smile

Nod

Part on shoulder, head, knee

Wink

Signal or gesture to signify approval

High five

Touch cheek

Tickle

Laugh (with, not at)

Pat on the back

Hug

Building Your Child's Self-Esteem- Part 2

Help your child to make positive self-statements. What we tell ourselves; or self-talk is very important in everything we do. Psychologists have found that depression and anxiety stem from negative self-talk. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave. Therefore, it is important to teach children to be positive about how they "talk to themselves." Some examples of useful self-talk are: "I can solve this problem, if I just keep trying." "It's okay if our team didn’t win today, as long as we all tried our best. You can't win them all." "It makes me feel good to help others even if no one notices or thanks me." Your child can become an expert at this by listening to relaxation tapes or CDs These tapes combine relaxation techniques along with positive self-statements and mental pictures to help kids and teens develop their self-esteem.

Avoid critical statements or statements meant to shame a child. Sometimes it is necessary to critique a child's actions, and it is appropriate that parents do so. When, however the critique is directed to the child as a person it can easily evolve into ridicule or shame. It is important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when giving criticism. For instance say, "I would like you to keep your clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob? Can't you take care of anything?"

Building Your Child's Self-Esteem- Part 3

Teach your child how to make, and recognize good decisions for him/ herself.

Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Help the child clarify the problem that is creating the need for a decision. Ask him a question that pinpoints how he sees, hear, and feels about a situation and what may need to be changed.

1. Brainstorm the possible solutions. Usually there is more than one solution or choice to a given dilemma, and the parent can make an important contribution by pointing out this fact and by suggesting alternatives if the child has none.
2. Allow the child to choose one of the solutions only after fully considering the consequences. The best solution will be one that solves the problem and simultaneously makes the child feel good about himself.
3. Later join the child in evaluating the results of that particular solution. Did it work out well? Or did it fail? if so, why? Reviewing the tactics will equip the child to make a better decision the next time around.

Building Your Child's Self-Esteem- Part 4

A positive approach to providing structure for your child goes along way.

All kids and teens need to accept responsibility for their behaviour. They should learn self-discipline. To help children learn self-discipline, the parent needs to adopt the role of coach/teacher rather than that of disciplinarian and punisher. Familiarize yourself with the "Three Fs" of positive parenting: Firm, Fair and Friendly.

…and!!

The Last 9 ‘Add-on’ steps you can take to help your child develop a positive self-image:

1. Teach children to change their demands to preferences. Point out to children that there is no reason they must get everything they want and that they need not feel angry either. Encourage them to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing them when they display appropriate irritation rather than anger
2. Encourage your children to ask for what they want assertively; pointing out that there is no guarantee that they will get it. Reinforce them for asking and avoid anticipating their desires.
3. Let children know they create and are responsible for any feeling they experience. Likewise, they are not responsible for others' feelings. Avoid blaming children for how you feel.
4. Encourage your children to develop hobbies and interests which give them pleasure and which they can pursue independently.
5. Let children settle their own disputes between siblings and friends alike.
6. Help your children develop "tease tolerance" by pointing out that some teasing can't hurt. Help children learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk such as "names can never hurt me," "teases have no power over me," and "if I can resist this tease, then I'm building emotional muscle. Help children learn to focus on their strengths by pointing out to them all the things they can do.
7. Encourage your children to behave toward themselves the way they'd like their friends to behave toward them.
8. Help your children think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending upon one option for satisfaction. A child who has only one friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a child who has many friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which can satisfy you, you limit your potential for being satisfied! The more you help your children realize that there are many options in every situation, the more you increase their potential for satisfaction.
9. Laugh with your children and encourage them to laugh at themselves. People who take themselves very seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humour and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing one's overall enjoyment.